Do you ever just have weeks that beat you down? Where you get to the end and you are just physically, mentally, and spiritually exhausted? That was this past week for me. It started out with working Labor Day on Monday and if you ever want to know what an Emergency Room is like on a Monday, just don’t ask, trust me its better that way. Tuesday arrived to my charge nurse calling me as well as my capstone student asking where I was cause surprise surprise, I forgot my shift started at 7:00 instead of 9:00 that morning and I was 40 minutes late to work. Its only day two and as you can see, I am thriving here.
Wednesday I woke up late and quickly got ready for my counseling session that was supposed to be at 10:00, but came out in the rain to see that my wallet had been stolen from my car, cause I’m stupid and probably forgot to lock in. Proceed to spend the next hour cancelling my cards and calling my dad because I still am not sure how to properly be an adult. Thursday actually went pretty decently and involved some antique store shopping and getting stuck behind a train that ended up being derailed somewhere. All good things.
Friday began with spending two hours with an elderly confused patient who was quite intent on both getting out of bed and getting rid of anyone who got in his way. This just so happened to include me, my charge nurse, my student and the security guards I had to call three times for this man’s safety. The day ended with a woman in her first trimester losing her baby and bringing her boxes of tissues and water because there was nothing else I could do. That evening I had friends coming over which was wonderful, but I ended up falling asleep on the floor because everything in me was exhausted.
Saturday, I went to my parents and I made cookies. My brothers refer to these as my “good cookies” because they take freaking forever and are made from scratch. They have Ghirardelli chocolate chips and a butt load of calories. I wanted one of my brothers to eat them because he’s been pretty sick, and nothing sounds good to him. He’s been through more suffering than most have encountered in their lifetime and I have no control over literally anything some days, but I can make some friggin cookies. I also went to confession that day because there’s been some sin I’ve been struggling to fight, and my week had not necessarily been helpful.
So, after that week I was throwing myself a nice pity party this morning before mass. My alarm had been set for 6:00am so I could go to mass with my dad. Sadly, my body did not agree with this time and I ended up sitting alone before the 10:00 mass wondering if I could just go back to bed after this. Then someone slides into my row right next to me (which is weird cause Covid) but it turns out to be my cousin, her husband and sweet 6-month-old baby. My day just got better from there.
We ended up having brunch with some more of my family and spending a good portion of our day together. We sat outside and enjoyed the beautiful weather, played with the baby and just enjoyed a day of rest. It was exactly what I needed after the week I had. As I came home, I was shuffling my Spotify and the song “Through Heaven’s Eyes” from Prince of Egypt came on. If you haven’t heard it, I HIGHLY recommend you watch, but the song is essentially about seeing your life the way God does.
Two lines in particular stick out to me. One being “A single thread in a tapestry though its color brightly shines can never see its purpose in the pattern of the grand design”. Some days I can’t see what God is doing with my life and I feel like a failure in a million different ways. How can I be doing what God wants of me when all can see is the ways I am not enough? But God doesn’t ask me to have the plan, that’s His job. He knows the plans He has for my life and they are so so good! “For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future”. (Jeremiah 29:11). God doesn’t ask that I have perfect days that outwardly glorify Him. He is absolutely glorified even in the days that suck, but we keep our eyes fixed on Him. That elderly man I took care of was having one of the worst days of his life, but because of me he didn’t hurt himself and he has a chance at getting better. My brother may not be as healthy as I wish he was, but that day he smiled a bit more because I made cookies he liked. And my sin may make me feel horrible and like a failure, but it gives me the chance to humble myself and then to get back up and run into the loving arms of my merciful Father.
The other line I love says “no life can escape getting blown about by the winds of chance and chance, and though you never know all the steps you must learn to join the dance”. This week I couldn’t control that my wallet got stolen or that I was accidentally late for work. In our lives there will be inconveniences, sickness, pain, job loss, relationship struggles, and suffering that we will never see coming and cannot control. BUT what we can control is our reaction to the changes this life brings. You could fight it and try to will your way to an easier life, or you could surrender your trust to God and dance to the music that plays in the present moment. I am in no way perfect or even GOOD at this yet, but I am trying. I am striving to see that every day is another chance to be a part of God’s plan and to fully rely on him. He can work with clay that is moldable much easier than something that has been hardened. So, I challenge you this week to see that your existence is a gift, and to look at your life through heaven’s eyes.
- Alex Kerschen